Coming soon -Plantagenet Ninja Supermarket Sweep!

Donald CBE FSA FRHistS  -‘ that’s how many letters I have after my name and still no mention of a knighthood! Snarkey’ will be the talking head behind Channel 5’s new documentary/ game show/ reality tv series which will be launched later this year in response to the great feedback on Dan Jones’s ‘Britain’s Bloody Awful Crown of People who lived before the Tudors.’

The channel is looking to attract a new target audience of students and Big Brother types who want to test their limited knowledge of stuff that happened before the Tudors but in a funky format which allows for ad breaks every five minutes so they can tweet during the show segments.

‘It’s going to be a light-hearted mash-up of the old Supermarket Sweep format meets Ninja warriors with a history angle in the form of questions posed by Donald ‘I’ve been to Buck House and met the Queen and actually have a better claim by hereditary descent through Benedict Cumberbatch and don’t even have a knighthood yet’ Snarkey.’ Said channel executive Tiffany. ‘ He will be barking questions about who killed the princes and how great Henry Bolingbroke was whilst the contestants do an assault course through a dis-used Aldi, picking up inflatable kings and queens against the clock.’

Some commentators have raised queries over Dr Donald’s involvement with such a populist show but producers have confirmed that he is keen to target a new audience in his career-long quest to vilify Richard III by any means at his disposal and sees this as a chance to reach a whole new generation before the new wave of Ricardian novels and spin-off re-assessments endanger the survival of ‘England’s Black Legend’ advocates.

‘The truth has to be told. I can keep bashing away at this til I’m 6′ under.’ Commented Dr Snarkey. ‘I’ve been consistently biased against Richard III since I first saw Sir Laurence Olivier’s ( he was just an actor and got a bloody knighthood) great docu-drama in my prep school. My initial suspicions have now become so ingrained in every interview and documentary I make that it has become my life’s work to discredit this man. I realised that the sources were all full of Yorkist propaganda when I came up to Cambridge. It’s amazing how their twisted view trickled down over the centuries, all that nonsense about beheading Anne Boleyn and dissolving the monasteries and ‘bloody’ Mary. The Tudors were the best thing to ever happen to Britain! Henry VIII is my role model, bloody good bloke all round. This show gives me a floating platform from which to harangue the public and get over my belief that the Plantagenets were a load of murdering psychopaths.’

Professor Emeritus Snarkey will be following the contestants on a specially constructed floating platform pulled by dolphins while they attempt the assault course around Aldi. Highlights will include an Agincourt style mud-bath where contestants must euloguize Henry Vth’s use of lowly English archers, leaving civilians to starve and accusing his step-Mum of witchcraft, followed by ‘name that monarch’ where they must correctly identify monarchs based on sillouhettes of men in different C15th hats. This should separate the men from the boys according to Professor Snarkey as anyone who has watched Dan Jones will have no idea about medieval fashions.

‘Let’s just say there will be no horned helmets or Napoleonic hats in this round!’ Sniggered Chancellor Snarkey. Dan Jones has been criticised for the wandering array of vaguely medieval costumes worn by re-enactors on ‘Britain (not til 1603)’s Bloody Terrible Cock-up of History’ series.

The next section sees contestants climb a fake castle wall whilst being pelted by rotten fruit and dodging boiling oil whilst they recite the history of the feud between cocky would-be usurper Richard of York and slighted consort Marguerite of Anjou. After this they must answer questions on Chancellor Snarkey’s specialist subject ‘England’s Most Dastardly Evil King that Ever Lived.’ Questions include evidence of cannibalism, kitten drowning and fiddling his expenses claims during his time as Lord of the North. Finalists will compete for the chance to win a basket of ‘straight to dvd’ history shows commissioned by the channel over the last 20 years.

Chancellor Emeritus, D Phil, CBE, GCSE, CSE, CLAIT CERT LEVEL 2 Snarkey hopes that the show might raise his profile among the general public and put him at level pegging with Ant and Dec when the Queen composes her next New Year’s Honours list.

‘I’ve been plugging the Tudors for sixty years now, the least she could do would be give me a knighthood for services to the Lancastrian dynasty!’ Muttered Mr Snarkey through flared nostrils. ‘The throne should be mine, I tell you, mine not some German offshoot’s!’

 

 

 

 

 

 

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